I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
