i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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