Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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