Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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