I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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