I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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