return my video game
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
