I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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