hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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