somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
