My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
