So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
nutella sex= disaster
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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