She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
