my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
