Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I touched a dick in church today
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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