On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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