Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
