how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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