I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
