Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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