i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
