he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
