I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
