You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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