wakey wakey hands off snakey
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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