I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
