Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
