Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize