i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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