I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
