I have demons in me.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm too high and old for this...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
