2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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