Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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