I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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