I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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