just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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