In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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