my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
