so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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