i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
