Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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