Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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