Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
