how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
