Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
