We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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