all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think my nap took me to another dimension
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
