I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
