I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
