I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
