Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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