I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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