you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
