No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
