I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I am one with the molecules
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
