i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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