had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
