Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
