You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
